As if the world didn't have enough horrors, including war,
famine, and the Kardashians.
Now it's zombies.
Perhaps "zombies" is too strong a word. There is no empirical proof that the guy in
Florida, who was shot and killed for eating the face off a homeless man by the
side of the highway, was a zombie. But
on the other hand, I'm not sure that the Metro-Dade medical examiner has a
blood test in his kit for zombie trace.
Ditto for the guy in Maryland (my state of origin,
naturally) who killed and ate his roommate's heart and brain. It's quite possible that he was simply a
budding foodie, and somehow got the directions wrong on the latest Guy Fieri recipe.
Then you have the porn star in Canada who killed a Chinese
student and chopped him up, ate his favorite body parts, then mailed the
remaining pieces to a variety of political offices. He was caught in a Berlin cyber-cafe while looking up stories about
himself on the internet. The confusing
part is that, if the vain cannibal was to repeatedly utter
"brains...brains..." like the silver screen zombies, it would be
unclear whether he hungered for cerebellums from strangers, or was looking for
his own.
This outbreak of humans eating humans has certainly garnered
attention, not to mention triggering the sound of a Barbra Streisand song in my
head: "People...people who eat people...are the hungriest people, in the
world..."
To have this many stories of cannibalism in one week has
caused some concern, and even given flight to worries about the storied
"zombie apocalypse" that George Romero posited would end the world.
What makes that scenario even spookier is the fact that all
these "apocalyptic" instances are occurring when the Mayans claim the
meter will run out on humanity.
I'm surprised that there hasn't been more buzz about the end
of the world, which the Mayans have inconveniently scheduled for Dec. 21,
2012. I mean, couldn't they have
delayed it until after Christmas?
I remember the run-up to the world's predicted end on Dec.
31, 1999, when prophets profited from claims that planes would fall from the
sky, banks would implode, and VCR's all over the globe would fizzle and spark
because their computer programming wouldn't know how to handle a date that
ended in "00."
This time, there has been very little in the mainstream
media about our impending doom. Even
Geraldo Rivera has shied away from the topic, and this is right in his
wheelhouse.
Oh, we had that eponymous movie starring John Cusack, but
that waste of celluloid was released all the way back in 2009. You can't possibly expect
attention-deficient Americans to keep up a fervor that long.
There has certainly been evidence that 2012 will be the
final year of human existence. Just two
months ago, Dick Clark died. By law, we
are not allowed to close out 2012 and ring in 2013 without the American
Bandstand master at the helm.
So is this it? Are
the Mayans right? Is the world coming
to an end, with the arrival of flesh-eating North Americans as a portent to the
inescapable zombie apocalypse?
Nah.
You know how I know?
Because my government told me so.
The United States federal government. You know, the folks that insisted for
decades that Area 51 didn't exist; the ones who managed to have the U.S. Naval
Observatory removed from Google Earth satellite maps as if it isn't there; the
bunch who pretended for years that the only "Seal Team Six" they knew
of performed five shows a day at Sea World.
The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta officially
released a statement last week confirming that, no, these attacks are not the
starting whistle for the zombie apocalypse.
They aren't saying that there is no such thing as zombies,
or that their arrival will not be an ELE (extinction-level event). In fact, the CDC actually has a section on
their official website devoted to preparing for the impending zombie
apocalypse, whenever it DOES come around.
(What will you need when the undead arrive? According to the website: duct tape.)
So while the federal government has tacitly legitimized the
notion of zombies, they are convinced that this is not the end.
In the spirit of objectivity, I have to point out this is
the same federal government that told us Iraq had weapons of mass destruction,
so I can't blame you if you're a bit skeptical.
Basically, it all comes down to two questions:
1) Is the U.S.
federal government smart enough to recognize the arrival of the true zombie
apocalypse?
Hint: this is the same government that said the unemployment
rate would never get above 8 percent in this recession. (The rate hasn't been below 8 percent
since 2009, and currently stands at 8.2 percent.)
2) If they really
knew such a terrifying reality, would they tell us?
Remember, it's been 50 years since Kennedy was killed, and a
lot of people believe we STILL haven't been told the truth.
The good news is that we don't have to worry, because the
government has a secret weapon: New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
In the unlikely event that zombies actually showed up in
Central Park or on the Staten Island ferry, Bloomberg would take care of it.
As soon as he finishes outlawing the consumption of
sugar-bearing drinks over 16 ounces, he'll start working on banning the
consumption of sugar-bearing drink drinkers.
Remember, this is the guy who sent the Occupy Wall Street teenagers to
their room without their supper.
As for the end of the world on Dec. 21? I just don't see Bloomberg allowing it to
happen. There's just too much money
involved. And since he's the guy who
rules times (square)...
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