Rock of Ages A Miscast Masterpiece

I recently watched "Rock of Ages" with my wife and friends, a film tribute to the music of the 1980's.

The writing sucked, the story sucked, the acting sucked...and the movie was fantastic!  The story was a tired, worn out tale.  If you saw the movie "Burlesque" with Christina Aguilera and Cher, you've already seen this fable: guy working at a bar gets the hot new girl in town from podunk a job at the nightclub, which is about to go under because it continues to promote a music genre that's in decline.  They fall in love, then have a falling out over a misunderstanding, then get back together.  The difference is, if "Burlesque" had scored a soundtrack like "Rock of Ages," it would have been a record breaker.  (Forgive the pun). 

Whoever cast this flick should be strung up and beaten with one of Alec Baldwin's Emmys.  The acting in ROA was sub-par.  Julianne Hough is unquestionably the most beautiful beard in Hollywood -- talented, gorgeous, vivacious.  And was completely wrong for the role of the "new girl from Tulsa."  The guy playing her boyfriend was similarly miscast -- pretty boy Diego Boneta doesn't have a rock and roll bone in his body.  Catherine Zeta-Jones singing a Pat Benatar tune?  Looked ridiculous. 

The big surprise?  The guy I expected to stink up the joint turned out to be one of the best on the screen.  Believe it or not, Tom Cruise pulled it off as the burned out Jim Morrison/Axl Rose rock star, both on the rock stage and in the glammed out dressing room.  A brilliant performance!  Hats off also to Paul Giamatti, who was once again perfect in a supporting role as the sleazy agent.  Alec Baldwin was passable as the aging club owner, but should have never been allowed to try a rock song.  The voice (whoever it actually belonged to) wasn't bad, but the image of a scruffy Jack Donaghy knocking out a heavy metal tune just didn't work.

The other superb acting job?  Russell Brand was spectacularly funny and fitting.

Also, if there is any justice in Hollywood (and trust me, there isn't), an Academy Award nomination would go out to Mickey, the baboon who played Cruise's furry Scotch-serving sidekick "Hey Man."

Sadly, the writing captured one of the big knocks against the 1980's era that the movie presented: the script was vacuous and unfulfilling.  Throughout the movie, the same phrase kept going through my head -- "empty calories." 

You could tell that the songs were chosen and blended first, then the story shoe-horned around them.  It was clumsy.  Also, be forewarned that this is a musical, created in a kitschy Rodgers and Hammerstein way.  Don't show up at the ticket counter with any expectation of reality.  People inexplicably break out in song and dance at the drop of a suitcase.  Unless you're prepared for it, or grew up thinking "Grease" was the best movie ever, the thing can feel like a Flash Mob that just won't shut up. 

After the show, one of my friends schooled me as to why parts of the film felt so smarmy -- it's because the director, Adam Shankman, has done some episodes of Glee.  If you like that TV show, you'll love this.  If you're like me, and believe Glee to be a televised infection that can't be cured with an oil tanker worth of penicillin, it will be a distraction to be endured.

Based on these pie-throwing observations, you might think that I hated the movie.

The opposite is true.

I loved it!  It was like the Susan Boyle of cinema.  The acting and story were ugly to look at, but the music was heavenly! 

The producers were smart enough not to mess with the original instrumentals, and required the actors (or whoever was paid to do the actual singing for their lip synching) to step up and perform the vocals the way we all remembered them from that era, without stylizing or screwing it up.  Oddly, that combination gave such a refreshing spin on what are often tired, worn out stock on "classic rock" radio stations that it was like rediscovering this amazing music for the first time all over again. 

Make no mistake, this film is completely about the music...and because of that fact, the result is a fun movie that anyone who has a nodding acquaintance with the 1980's should not miss.  It is a terrific, five-star flick, despite its glaring faults.  I give it about eight thumbs up (out of the classic Siskel and Ebert max of two). 

In fact, my wife made a brilliant observation -- this could easily become the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" of the 21st century, with fans showing up in outrageous costumes for weekly midnight showings, reciting the predictable dialogue throughout the film, and singing along with the well-loved music at the top of their lungs.

In other words, this one is destined to become a classic.