I've never been much on religion. I don't pretend to subscribe to any particular dogma, other than I believe in God because the alternative is too depressing to contemplate.
I also believe in a lot of what Darwin had to say, although I just can't buy into the notion that the intricate functions of a pancreas or gall bladder are really the result of a genetic crap shoot played out over millions of years.
There are big chunks of the Bible I don't believe, mostly because I know that the whole thing was written by human beings, and I know humans tend to lie and exaggerate for their own gains. But I still enjoy a lot of it, and many of the stories make for excellent drama.
One of the things that appeals to me about most religions is the symbiotic balance contained in their tomes. If there's a Heaven, there must be a Hell. If there's good, there must be evil. If you believe in God, you must also allow for the existence of Satan.
Along with the more mainstream interpretations of religion are scenarios depicted by zealots. While I hate having anything forced down my throat, including sweets, and as a general rule I dislike any group that claims to have cornered the market on truth or are in sole possession of the secrets leading to "the way," I also enjoy some of the wild stories they are able to concoct in their quest to scare and sway the undecided.
For example, while there are tons of folks who believe Jesus will one day return to the earth, there's another faction that believes that the "Anti-Christ" is also on his way, if he isn't already here.
Blend into that confection a claim by a small minority that God is actually a woman. I like that idea, and their arguments make sense. God created mankind. When you consider childbirth, bringing forth life is kind of a feminine gig.
Kindness, patience, virtue, and other touch-feely concepts from the New Testament also sit a little heavier on the female side of the ledger. (The Old Testament God was a bit of a bully. Just ask Abraham. But as a lot of modern day troublemakers have shown, men tend to calm down a bit once they become fathers.)
Using these tidbits, I proffer the following:
If it's possible that God is a woman, is it possible that the Anti-Christ might also be female?
I know a lot of guys who would jump on this concept, and quickly hold up their ex-wives as potential candidates.
Because I'm not into religion, I don't know a lot about the Anti-Christ, other than what I've read in the "Left Behind" series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. One of the big traits is that Jesus' counterpart will be known as "The Great Deceiver."
I could get into a whole discussion on who makes better liars, men or women.
Comedian Chris Rock did an excellent examination of this question in his show "Bigger and Blacker."
"Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies," Rock explained. "A man's lie is like, 'I was at Tony's house.' A woman's lie is like, 'It's your baby.'"
Both sexes are guilty of the sin. So if both are capable, why couldn't the Great Deceiver be a woman?
I've looked for "signs" among current celebrities.
For the longest time, I was convinced Sarah Palin was a candidate for the position. The job of Anti-Christ may be the only one for which she hasn't actively campaigned at one time or another. Then I realized that the Anti-Christ is probably going to be a little smarter than a half-term ex-governor from Alaska who has to write crib notes on her hand and punctuates her most meaningful dialogue with "you betcha."
Ditto for Lindsay Lohan, who embodies a version of the old joke: "Q - How do you know when Lindsay Lohan is lying when she's in court? A - Her lips are moving." A lot of young girls have followed her like she's the Pied Piper equipped with a bag full of Ecstacy instead of a flute. But her appeal pretty much ends there, although she's sure to pick up some new male fans when her spread appears in Playboy next month.
I think some votes could go in the direction of Kristen Stewart, the mopey actress from the "Twilight" film series. She's made millions convincing teenagers that everyone should aspire to become a member of the undead, whether vampire or werewolf.
Casey Anthony would also be a reasonable nominee for the role. It requires true evil to kill your own child, and the guile of a gifted Anti-Christ to convince 12 jurors that you didn't do it when every scrap of evidence and reason indicates otherwise.
And how could anyone leave Hilary Clinton off a list of potential candidates for female Anti-Christ? Although, she's been so uninspiring in the last three years that few people would bother to follow her to the bathroom at an all-you-can-drink frat party.
On the male side, it's still easy to find likely options for Anti-Christ, so long as Dick Cheney continues to breathe and Newt Gingrich continues to run for president.
And you can bet the Obama haters are sure to nominate our current president as a likely candidate for the Dark Lord's throne.
Of course, if you believe those same haters about our president's religion, it's pretty unlikely since Muslims don't count as Christians (even though they believe in Christ), and therefore couldn't technically qualify for the job of Anti-Christ.
So if there really is an Anti-Christ in the offing, who do you think it might be? And is it possible that the job could be filled by a woman? And if so, would the Anti-Christ also earn about two-thirds of what a male Anti-Christ would make for the same job?