I'll Bet Snoop Dogg Doesn't Know About This Weed

It's official.  I finally used marijuana for the first time this week.

Among my generation, I'm an oddity, having never tried pot. Being a teenager in the 1970's, this makes me the chemical-using equivalent of the Elephant Man.  When you factor in my 20-year history as a performing barroom singer and musician, the odds of me being a weed virgin are equivalent to the likelihood that the Hubble telescope is going to find signs of intelligent life on Lindsay Lohan. 

If we were to discover the "mirror universe" in Star Trek episode #33, I would basically be Snoop Dogg's chronic-avoiding counterpart.

But that's all over now.

This week, my wife and I tried some cannabis sativa together. 

For starters, the smell wasn't as bad as I expected.  In fact, it was almost a flowery aroma.

As for the post-use case of the munchies reported by most potheads I've met, it's hard to tell.  I can polish off a bag of nacho cheese Combos on any given afternoon, so I don't know if the voracious consumption of this salty pretzel snack after our first experimentation was a result of the chemical, or just a Tuesday.  And at my weight, who can really know the difference?

I must admit that I'm concerned about addiction, and I already see some worrisome signs. 

The first time my wife and I used, it was in the bedroom.  I figured that initial experience would hold me for a while.  But by the time "Judge Judy" was on TV the next evening, I was jonesing so bad that my wife had to hook me up again right there on the living room sofa.  Now I find that I'm having trouble going a whole day without it.

This is going to be problematic, because it ain't cheap.  We got these first few ounces from a supplier in Utah that our daughter turned us onto, and it was about $20.  I'm hoping that, if we check around and ask a few people, we'll be able to find a dealer who won't be so pricey.  After all, we live near Las Vegas, a place where there are lots of celebrities, movie stars, and other people who use this stuff.  Hopefully, if we save up some cash and buy larger quantities, we can get it cheaper.

But enough of my personal paranoia.  Let's talk effects.

On that front, this substance was everything it's cracked up to be.  Within a few minutes of using it, my whole body felt like it was floating.  I could almost sense my skin buzzing.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I kept looking at my hands, studying them for signs that the cells themselves were migrating up and down my arms.  Years ago, there used to be a concession in some malls where you could pay to dip your hands in a vat of melted wax.  That's probably the closest I can get to describing how my fingers looked and felt.

A few minutes after that, I imagined the cells on my toes doing the same thing.  (To be honest, because of the Combos and a few other unhealthy lifestyle choices, it's been a while since I've actually seen my feet so I couldn't really look for signs of physical metamorphosis.)

When my wife and I were finished, I simply felt like I was glowing for hours afterwards.

Now I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do: I'm going to recommend you go out and get some of this cannabis product for yourself.

I'd hate for you to get the wrong stuff, because there are a lot of unscrupulous people out there who would tell you that you're buying the real deal, only to sell you some cheap imitation made from ingredients out of somebody's kitchen.  Therefore, I'm going to describe it so you don't get ripped off.

If you're like us and don't really know how to go about getting it, I would recommend you start by visiting a hair dresser.  Everybody knows that hair salons always have the highest quality products.  Our daughter is studying to be a stylist, which is how she learned about it.

The first way to tell you've bought the real McCoy is that there will be a big green marijuana leaf right on the front of the package.  Below that, it will have the brand name.  I'll spell it to be sure you're looking for the correct thing:

H - E - M - P - Z.

Below that, it will say "Pure Herbal Extracts," followed by "Age Defying Herbal Body Moisturizer."

If you're suspicious like us and still not sure you laid your money down for the correct lotion, check the ingredients on the back of the bottle.  After things like "palmitate" and "glycerin" and "butyrospermum," you'll find the line that says "cannibas sativa seed oil." 

Only then will you know that you've purchased your first few ounces of legal marijuana product.

Best of all, you don't need one of those cards from a California doctor.

So I would recommend you run right out and get some of this stuff so you can join the rest of us new potheads.

However, because I still have a conscience and don't want to see anybody get hurt, I will ask one thing:

For at least an hour after using some product, please don't try to drive.

Your hands might still be slippery and you could lose control of the wheel and crash your car, becoming just another marijuana-related accident statistic.