You knew it had to happen.
In this, the dawning of the age of Kardashian (which is a little bit noisier, a lot more vacuous, and has more hair than the age of Aquarius), baby's gotta got back.
A new product developed by a California psychologist provides what every saggy-seated woman dreams of: a butt lift.
This sounds like the kind of farcical product to be featured in between Saturday Night Live skits, but it's actually a new fashion device that is getting a lot of attention among the fashionazis.
The contraption looks like looped garters, with adjustable straps going around the outside of each buttock and rejoining between the legs. The effect is to add a little J-Lo to every woman's backside.
The makers call it the "Biniki," referring to it as a bra for the butt.
It's hard to understand why fashionazis hate women so much. The joke is that the fashion industry today is controlled by gay men, who compete to prove just how anti-woman they are by contriving the ugliest, most uncomfortable clothing possible. That may or may not be true, but there's no denying that mid-century prisoners of war endured tortures that were far less painful than an eight-hour shift on seven-inch heels. It's no wonder that men complain their women want to talk to them non-stop when they get home from work, since they've endured a full day of discomfort usually imposed by German SS officers insisting that their subject "talk, you swine!"
Similarly, the only way the underwire on a woman's bra could be any more uncomfortable is if they connected it to a couple of 12-volt truck batteries and turned the amperage knob to "full."
Then you have the "Wonderbra," which improves the appearance of a woman's cleavage, but also leaves men to "wonder" why any woman would go through such extreme and uncomfortable lengths to perpetrate the hoax of an overstated ta-ta size on the public.
And that doesn't even include the liquid-filled bra, which is as close to water torture as the Geneva Convention will allow.
To its credit, the new butt bra is likely to attract a man's attention; not only because of the enhanced derriere illusion it provides, but because it's similarity to the lifting chains and straps of a car engine hoist is sure to intrigue every gearhead at bedtime.
The new device is getting a lot of attention and is sure to keep the California psychologist in cash for several lifetimes, leaving most former therapy patients desperate to ask the newly-enriched couch jockey "how does that make you feel?"
Since I'm big on bandwagon jumping, I've come up with a few inventions of my own, in hopes that one of them will catch on among the fashion firing squads, including:
- "The UPS" - this is a contraption that fits like men's underwear, but includes enormous and bulky padding in the front that will give women the impression that the wearer is sporting an impressive "package."
- "The Convertible Chest" - the early iterations of this product will be like a large sheet of smooth, flesh colored Band-Aid tape that a man can stick to his chest. It will give the illusion of a smooth, hairless torso for women who are turned off by the hairy-chested Guido look, while allowing a man the option of maintaining his inner wildebeest for those female companions and cat lovers who like to have something tangled and matted to run their fingers through at bedtime. A companion product, the "Convertible Back," applies the same theory to help men who have been mistaken for escaped zoo-dwellers when viewed from behind at the beach. The only hang-up in early research development is that few Neanderthal types have been willing to put the no-hair-pulling adhesive to the test, especially after watching reruns of the waxing scene from "The 40-year-old Virgin."
- "The Maniki" - just like the Biniki, it is a device men wear which will make their butts protrude, filling out their Wranglers to Brett Favre proportions. The truth is that the accoutrement is actually nothing more than a jock strap, which is the secret behind why women lust after NFL running backs, and adds credence to the rumor that Kim Kardashian actually dumped former boyfriend Reggie Bush because she realized that his butt looked better than hers whenever he trotted onto the field in his New Orleans Saints uniform.
- "The Rocktavia" - similar to Octavia dresses worn by curvy actresses like Kate Winslet that give the illusion of a slimmer waistline, the Rocktavia uses strategically placed reflective strips and holographic tape to hide a man's beer belly, while giving the illusion of a "six pack" with a series of a half-dozen bean bags sewn into the shirt's abdominal lining.
For now, these man-friendly ideas are still in the drawing board phase. However, the Biniki is already a reality, and continuing to grow in popularity. You'll know it has hit its peak when the Bravo Channel rolls out a new reality show this fall called "The Real Binikis of Orange County."