McDonalds Music

I did something last week that I haven't done in a while, and I won't be repeating anytime soon.  I ate at a McDonald's.

Don't get me wrong.  When it comes to Mickey D's food, "Ba da bum ba da, I'm lovin' it."  Grease, salt, grease...what's not to love?

My mistake was opting to go inside and sit down for a meal instead of my normal practice of hitting the drive-thru.

Sometimes while sitting in a restaurant for a meal, you're treated to "mood music," which usually includes a Montovani-esque version of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" playing overhead through low-fidelity speakers.  (The jury is still out on whose version is more annoying).

Not at the Golden Arches.

Their "mood music" is the kind that inspires serial killers, probably because it sounds a lot like cat torture.

Here's a short excerpt of McDonald's Music's greatest hits:

"Beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep..."  Now repeat that 283,000 times.

Another: "beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep..."

For those of you who haven't had the "pleasure" of a recent trip to fast food land, I'll fill you in - they're the warning sounds of the french fry machine, or the hamburger cooker, or the nose-picking timer.

These noises might be innocuous enough if played at a reasonable level; you know, maybe a half a decibel less than an Aerosmith concert.

Unfortunately, to ensure that the beeps can be heard by French fry technicians whose ears have been damaged by years of overexposure to iPods playing Limp Bizkit with the volume turned to 11, the sound is loud enough to land jet airplanes by.

I've heard backup warning signals beep-beep-beeped by tractor trailers hauling 8,300 gallons of gasoline that weren't this obnoxious.

If I was a Panamanian dictator surrounded by protective fences, dogs, and elite armed soldiers, and the American military started playing this sound through loudspeakers outside my villa, I'd surrender in less time than it takes to eat a Big Mac.

Ba da bum ba da, I'm hatin' it.

During my most recent (and probably final) visit to McDonald's, by the time I was down to my last McNugget, I wanted to hop over the McCounter and unplug the McFryer with a McChain Saw, since it was obvious none of the other McHobbits in the food prep area could be bothered to make it stop.

Ba da bum ba da, I'm losin' it.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe that monophonic "beep - beep - beep" is the 21st century version of "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" which keeps the McDwarfs happy in their work. 

But I doubt it.

How bad was it?
Bad enough that I was rooting for the untamed four-year-old escapees from the McHabitrail to drown out the sound with their incessant and last-nerve-grinding screams across the dining room because their mom-servants forgot the sprinkles on their McSundaes.

Do you know how far down the ear-grating rabbit hole you've gone when you start considering the unfiltered screams of amped-up sugar-wired children an improvement?

It wouldn't surprise me to learn that someone in the fast food industry had commissioned a scientific study which showed the "beep - beep - beep" noise at a certain frequency and volume helps improve turnover in the dining room, since few carnivores short of Labrador Retrievers can withstand that sound for more than five minutes.  The faster they can get the McFlurry eaters out of the room, the more seats become available for the next group of Pavlovian subjects.

It worked on me.

Instead of a nice, luxurious 15-minute lunch under the bright lights of an orange and yellow sky, you could have clocked my stay with an egg timer (preferably one that doesn't go "beep - beep - beep" when the three minutes is up).

The good news is that once outside, I reveled in the beautiful sounds of blaring horns, interstate traffic whizzing by, overhead jumbo jets, screeching tires, and the delighted screams from the next batch of McHabitrail dwellers pulling into the parking lot.

Ba da bum ba da, I'm leavin' it.