The Art of Political Procrastination

I used to think of myself as a pretty talented procrastinator.  I didn't invent the mantra "never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after," but I certainly subscribe to it.

Writers are usually great procrastinators, especially news writers who are cursed with deadlines.  Journalists are often the adult embodiment of their college alter egos, staying up all night to finish a term paper that is due tomorrow, one which was assigned two months ago.

In American history, the icon of procrastination has been Scarlett O'Hara of "Gone With The Wind" fame, who famously said "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Procrastinators now have a new hero in their struggle for societal legitimacy:

The 2011 United States Congress.

Congress (which watermelon-whomping comedian Gallagher once noted is the opposite of "Pro-gress") has been skirmishing with the President for months now over the looming debt ceiling. 

For those who don't exactly understand what all the fuss is, imagine you have a MasterCard you've been trying to melt every weekend at Neiman Marcus.  Like most credit cards, there is a credit limit, the maximum amount you're allowed to charge.  You're almost at that limit, but Neiman's is about to have a big sale on go-go boots, and you've just realized your closet is currently go-go bootless.

Unless you can convince the minimum-wage phone jockey on the other end of Chase Bank's customer service line that your very life depends on the acquisition of those $2,000 pink and purple zebra-striped thigh-highs you saw in the window last week, you're probably going to have naked knees next weekend.

In the name of equality, here's a scenario to which men might better relate.  It's your turn to host the annual "Super Bowl Party and Drunken Brawl" at your house this year.  You are out of beer because last weekend happened to include a Saturday night.  You have only $3 available on your credit card, and even less than that in your checking account. 

If you happen to have a Capital One card, issued by the company whose commercials feature the partying, room-smashing Vikings asking "what's in your wallet?", you might not have a problem getting a debt limit increase in time for kickoff.

Otherwise, your only hope is to persuade the MasterCard monkeys that you just got a promotion to Assistant Head French Fry Cook at the Burger King where you work, and can easily handle a $10,000 increase in your credit line (which should keep you and your buddies in beer until approximately next weekend).

That is the problem faced last weekend by Congress; that they had reached their MasterCard limit.  The difference is that real humans have to beg customer service reps sitting in a cubicle in Bombay for a credit limit boost, while the debt ceiling for the United States government is set by...the United States government.

How serious of a problem was it?  Serious enough that the members of the House and Senate chose to work through Saturday and Sunday instead of their normal weekend itinerary of taking golf junkets to Singapore (paid for by oil lobbyists), sleeping with women they're not married to (paid for by oil lobbyists), or an afternoon of toe-tapping in an airport bathroom stall.

The eyes of the financial world lasered in on Congress throughout the weekend to see how they would handle this critical decision, specifically what measures they would take to reduce their shopping sprees at Bridges-To-Nowhere-R-Us and which American pockets they would pick to increase government revenues. 

The answer from Congress?

They'll think about it tomorrow.  Or actually Nov. 30. 

Congress decided to go ahead and increase their credit limit by, oh, $1.5 trillion or so.  As part of the deal, they're also going to appoint a 12-member "super committee" to hammer out the details of where they're going to cut the budget and what taxes they're going to increase, and tender their plan by the end of November.

Yeah, right. 

They couldn't find that solution over the weekend, when the pressure was on.  The chance that they'll reach any kind of agreement on such weighty and politically charged matters four months from now (which is half a century in Congressional lapdog years) is roughly about the same as the likelihood Bank of America is going to increase the credit limit on my Visa by a mere $100 million.

Ordinarily, this kind of political fumbling by our elected officials would make me furious.

But I can't think about being mad today. If I do, I'll go crazy.  So I'll think about being mad tomorrow.

Or the day after Nov. 30.