Keep Pit Bulls, Ban Yappy Dogs

Pit bulls have gotten a bad rap over the years because of their eating habits. 

The muscular fighting dogs have been bashed pretty hard because of their tendency to try and eat cats, chihuahuas, small children, and the occasional fellow pit bull.  If they were just stealing millions of dollars through fraudulent mortgages, or crippling citizens through outrageous taxes, or ripping off Americans at the gas pump, you'd never hear a peep about the breed.

But in this country, the quickest way to ostracism is by eating things the do-gooders deem verboten, like sugar, sodas, salt, and anything else that tastes good.  Since Persian cats appear to be considered a delicacy among the spiked-collar set, it only makes sense that the do-gooders would go after the pit bull for its gastronomical choices.

The breed has been banned in a number of communities, and there is a growing clamor for outlawing pit bulls altogether.

The fact that irresponsible, overweight, tooth-challenged rednecks tend to use the dogs for their own clandestine canine versions of WWF wrestling doesn't help.

The do-gooders seem to ignore the fact that a dangerous pit bull is often the product of a boneheaded owner who is barely the animal's intellectual equal, just as some do-gooders continue to insist that guns are the problem and not the dirtbags who use them illegally.

So there is a movement apaw in the country to make the breed illegal.

I couldn't disagree more.

While I go along with the collection and elimination of dogs that attack children, small adults, and any creature named "Fluffy," I just can't get on board with picking on pit bulls that haven't done anything.  We've worked so hard as a society to eliminate discrimination based on race, religion, and skin color, which are basically the determining factors for human "breeds."  To single out an entire race of dogs seems like a step backwards in our social evolution.

Also, there are abundant examples of pit bulls that are loving and docile pets.  To get rid of them all would be like getting rid of all humans because some of them turn out to be lawyers. 

So I don't favor outlawing all pit bulls.

If the do-gooders insist on going after a particular breed, here's my suggestion:

Yappy dogs.

This undersize variety goes by a lot of fancy names dreamed up by breeders who believe the more esoteric and unpronounceable the name, the more valuable the dog.  (Go ahead, try and say "Shih Tzu" without making it sound like a vacuous bowel movement.)

The selection and removal of all Yappy dogs wouldn't require tests and determinations by experts based on bloodlines and carefully measured physical attributes, either.  If you're enjoying a sound sleep and your dream of a disrobing Jennifer Lawrence is cut short by the sound of a high-pitched yipping, yapping, endlessly barking little dog, you've found a Yappy.  And it should be removed immediately.

For the dog zealots certain to come out of the woodwork (and who are often just as rabid, pun intended, as my arch enemy the Tree Hugger), don't get your retractable leash in a wad.

I'm not advocating euthanasia.  I love all dogs, even the annoying breeds like the English Prince Wyndemere Yapper, the Malaysian Breasted Yappie, or designer hybrids like the Cockayap and the Yappapoo.  Where I'm sure to swell my long list of detractors is to suggest that Yappy dogs should be treated like children from the 19th century: they should be seen but not heard.  They ought to be kept inside like the expensive, ornate status symbols they are.  

However, the truly egregious outdoor Yappers should be removed from neighborhoods where people need to go to work in the morning, and sent to this legendary farm my parents used to tell me about whenever one of my childhood pets came up missing.

To be fair, just as is the case with most pit bulls, it's usually an obtuse owner that gives Yappers a bad name.

Which brings me back to my original premise, which is that laws should not be passed to ban all pit bulls. 

However, since the do-gooders are unlikely to leave this alone, here's a reasonable compromise:

Just as they insist on regulating the foods consumed by full grown humans through limits and taxes on sugary drinks, the buttinskis should be satisfied with passing laws restricting the diet of all pit bulls.  From here on, the breed will only be allowed to eat dry dog food, moist canned dog food, all animal abusers, and any dog owner too brain-addled to properly care for their pets.

And maybe the occasional treat of a sugar-hating do-gooder.