Well, they still haven't found Amelia Earhart or her plane.
Of course, it's only been 75 years, so what's the rush?
The famed female aviator disappeared in a horrific crash in
turn four during the 41st running of the Daytona 500.
Wait, that was Dale Earnhardt.
Earhart vanished
while trying to fly around the world in search of a guy named Lindbergh that
she wanted to punch in the nose.
Since then, she has
become the only adequate two-word defense by husbands whose wives insist that
they stop and ask for directions when lost while driving.
"Harry, you
fedora-wearing buffoon, you know you're lost again. Why don't you pull over at this gas station and buy a map?"
"Amelia
frickin' Earhart."
For the last 75
years, a popular home game involves speculation over Earhart's whereabouts, and
whether she's been spotted hanging out with Elvis.
A search party was
organized this year by a group of hide-and-go-seek experts who believe she
landed on a deserted island in the Pacific Ocean. Reports that she was stranded with a professor, a movie star, an
obscenely wealthy couple, a boat captain and his red-shirted mate, and some
girl named Mary Anne have not yet been confirmed.
It took this long
to mount a serious search because investigators had to wait for a certain
television channel to "discover" the $2 million required for the
hunt. Also, they wanted to give her a
good head start.
The expedition also
had a second purpose: to confirm a posit that television networks have way more
money than sense, a theory thoroughly tested by E! network's renewal of
"Keeping Up With The Kardashians" for a seventh season.
According to the
story in what appears to be an east coast horse racing sheet called Philly.com,
a group of researchers used the cash to buy high-tech equipment like a really
good iPhone 4S with the Socialcam video app and maybe some surplus sonar gear
from the Andrea Doria to help with their investigation.
They spent weeks
doing underwater reconnaissance around the island of Nikumaroro, but couldn't
locate anything that might be as big as, say, a twin-engine 10-passenger
airplane. However, the scientists with
degrees and large titles had a legitimate response, explaining that stuff left
at the bottom of the ocean for 75 years is, quote, "hard to find."
The results of
their extensive and well-hyped search were "inconclusive," which is
scientist-speak for "we didn't find nuthin'."
So far, rumors that
Geraldo Rivera of Capone's Vault fame was in charge of the search are still
unsubstantiated.
In previous trips,
researchers have found what they believe to be incontrovertible evidence that
the flier spent time on the island, including (wait for it)...a campfire! Nearby they also found an empty can, a
bottle, and a bumper sticker that says "My Other Car Is A Lockheed Electra
10E."
However, in 1991,
the group found a woman's shoe that resembles the kind known to have been worn
by Earhart, and of a style that no local cannibal would be caught dead wearing
after Labor Day. Results of testing on
that shoe are still pending, awaiting the return of legendary footwear expert
Prince Charming.
The fact that the
explorers didn't find Earhart, her navigator, her plane, or any paperwork from
a TSA strip-search hasn't stopped plans by the Discovery Channel to air the
project's documentary in August.
So far, no
confirmation has been given as to whether Rivera will host the show.
In an effort not to
be outdone by the educational upstarts at the Discovery Channel, speculation
has increased that PBS will soon mount their own well-funded search for
Earhart.
Early
reports that PBS will use some of today's best global investigators, including
Dora the Explorer and Carmen Sandiego, are still unconfirmed at this time.
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