Taking My Clothes Off For Sarah Palin

I'm not usually a big fan of Russian politics, anymore than I'm interested in WWE wrestling.  I don't like fixed competitions with rigged results.

However, based on a recent story from the Reuters news service, my attitude is about to change.

According to the story, a movement is gaining traction in which women are taking off their clothes in support of the 2012 campaign to elect Vladimir Putin president of Russia.

To American men, this might sound like a brilliant campaign strategy, one which would certainly get the attention of that all-important demographic of males aged 18 to dead. 

But when you think about it, maybe there's a different message afoot in the home of the Kremlin.

Instead of the treat we might intuit, the idea might actually be the reverse in Moscow, where it's pretty likely voters will vote for Putin just to get these women to put their clothes back on.

After all, we're talking about Russian women.  Not the most attractive collection of females on the round blue marble.  Oh, to be sure there are notable exceptions, with gorgeous Russian models and actresses like...well, okay, I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure they exist somewhere.

The point is, I advocate taking one's clothes off as a political statement and vote-getting ploy.  There's a whole host of female movie stars who would influence my vote in the direction of their desired candidate with just the show of a little skin.  I won't name those movie stars here, because my wife would use the names to compile a list of all the upcoming movies I won't be allowed to watch in the next few decades.

I suspect I'm not alone in this group, and there are millions of registered male voters whose ballot might be swayed by their favorite Hollywood hottie in the buff. 

Because I'm a patriotic American who loves his country and is rabid about the democratic process, I encourage this notion.  Anything to improve turnout rates at the polls, which are currently less than the weekly voting for such TV shows as "American Idol" and "America's Got Unlimited Access To Prescription Drugs."  (I might have the name wrong on that last program, but if you've seen the recent lineup of acts on the show which features Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and Howie Mandel as judges, you know my observation is dead-on.)

So if the trick of taking off clothes to influence votes will work in Russia, it should certainly work here in the birthplace of campaign gimmicks.

And to be fair, this isn't limited to nekkid women.

If Brad Pitt agreed to take off his clothes to get women to vote Foghorn Leghorn for president, I suspect the inaugural address on Jan. 20, 2013 would begin "My fellow, I say, my fellow Americans..."

And if nekkid hotties will lead people to vote in favor of certain candidates, I believe the reverse must also be true.  There are times when moral decency would demand that Americans should vote against candidates if it meant certain people agreed to keep their clothes on.

It's in this spirit that I make this announcement:

I don't know who will or won't ultimately make it onto the presidential ballot for 2012.  I don't have any favorites in either party.  But if Sarah Palin is elected president of the United States, I will appear nekkid in downtown Mesquite at noon on Jan. 21, 2013.

If you've seen me in person or looked at any of my publicity photos, you know what a horror show this would be.  How bad?  Let's just say that, unlike the periphery of most public spectacles, there won't be any vendors selling food items from carts on that day.  In fact, it's possible that people could lose their appetites for weeks afterward, adding undue pressure on the local food service economy.

If Palin wins, I'll be forced to follow through on my promise.  I'll probably be arrested immediately after for indecent exposure, and assault with an ugly weapon (my enormous belly).

But I must do what I must do to keep my country from making a bad decision.  I've learned that when speaking up and speaking out in favor of certain candidates, a lone voice gets lost in the babble.  Electing Palin as president would be catastrophic for the country I love, although it would mean a permanent eight-figure salary for Tina Fey's weekly return to Saturday Night Live. 

So I'm making this stand in the best interest of my nation.

Please don't let this happen.

Vote "Anyone But Palin" in 2012, so I can keep my clothes on.  It's a win-win, because a successful result means Americans will sleep better at night.  For both reasons.